Ask Lola: Friends (and Potstickers)

I made pot-stickers today! ...and learned why they are called pot STICKERS. (Um, they kind of STICK to the pot and such.) Helpful hint? Don't ever (not never) move them until they are completely cooked! (You're welcome)

Dear Ask Lola, It seems like you have lots of AMAZING friends! HOW did you find them? After working for years and years I recently became a stay at home mom. So I've been trying to expand my group of friends as well as look for potential play dates. It seems like I can't find a girlfriend I would like to spend time with. So far my experiences have been a neighbor that complains about EVERYTHING, a friend of a friend that has NO personality and another that flakes out every time we make plans. Am I being too picky? Can you make a match.com for mommy friends?? HELP!? I feel like a friendless loser :(

Here is some info another reader offered:

"The Anonymous commenter should try looking for mommy friends through a city blog for moms if they have one in her area, she could also try the mommy morning outs that are hosted by local churches. They are a great way to meet other people and hear great advice on raising children. However, if she only knew when you are LDS you have a built in network of friends all around the globe.

Ha ha! She makes a good point! Being LDS automatically provides women with plenty of opportunities to make new friends and easily become integrated in her neighborhood community. If you are LDS, then I would say, take advantage of those opportunities.

HERE IS A RUNNING LIST OF WHERE I'VE MET MY CLOSEST FRIENDS:
* I would say about ten of my dearest friends were brought into my life through the church.
* Four were neighbors in different areas where we lived.
* Quite a few of my favorite "friend finds" were at Sweaty Chix Fitness here in Springville. (Although they have new locations opening up throughout the valley) Everyone there is SO AMAZINGLY nice and fun and outgoing. (What more could you ask for in a work out group?) They have some seriously fun Zumba too.
* Friends from college.
* Friends that I meet through friends.
* My husband's best friends' wives.
* a VERY select few friends from high school.
* Some of my best and most favorite friends on the planet of earth came through pageants (of all places!) And, while I'm not such a big fan of pageants themselves, and usually preface any mention of my pageant involvement with "What was I thinking!!???" I am SO HAPPY that I participated so that I could cross paths with these women. I seriously ADORE them.
* and I've even made a few friends through blogging. Friends that have become more than just blog friends - like, friends that go out to dinner or lunch with me in real life and such.

One thing I do (that helps me make friends) is talk.

Like, a lot. (Shocker!)

I talk to anyone and everyone (double shocker!) and it often results in new friendships. This can be hard (even REALLY hard) for some people, I know, but it is the easiest way I know of when it comes to meeting new people.

I also do something that most people will probably think is bizarre, or nerdy at the very least. When I meet...or even just "spot" someone who I think is totally amazing and eternally more cool, fabulous, and fun than I could ever hope to be, I decide that they are going to be my friend.

Kind of stalker-y huh?

Yeah, I know. But I've made some really cool friends this way.

This post is already way too long! Let me just close by saying - you aren't too picky! I don't like hanging with negative people or flakes either! I also struggle with people that make NO effort to be interesting, fun, or charming. Why should I have to do all the work carrying the conversation AND the friendship, right? I can understand (to a degree) if someone is naturally shy, but come on. We're adults. We should be able to carry on a conversation and do things that are outside of our comfort zones.

Guess who's rolling over...

To go from a child who still wasn't rolling over (or crawling, or doing anything other than sitting around the house like a delicious little blob) at TEN months to a child who is easily rolling over at two and a half months... is kinda nuts! And I must say, I find it to be quite refreshing! Like an idiot, I didn't get a shot of him going all the way over on his back. I blame this on the fact that I have the attention span of a goldfish.

Which reminds me: if I have "flaked" on any of you lately, take heart. You are not alone. It has nothing to do with how much I care (or don't care) about you, and everything to do with the fact that 98% of my brain cells are officially fried! How do some moms have five or six or ten kids and maintain any semblance of a sane mind? I am a space cadet like you wouldn't believe! It's frightening, really.

Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I sort of want to bite his face...

Thoughts.

*Halloween was fun.
*Sitting on the floor of Bryan and Cristi's apartment with all of my brothers and their cute wifies and gorging ourselves on sushi and strawberry cheesecake is on of my new favorite pastimes.
* I am so ready to have elections over and done with, I can't even tell you.


* The dog hair in my life is getting overwhelming.

*Our friends' Peter Pan Themed costumes for the whole family are so DARN cute, don't you think?

*I just finished (and loved reading) the second book in the "Hunger Games" series.
Translation: The house is a mess and my boys ate PB&J for dinner.

*This is the cutest Peter Pan ever.
He is perfectly representative of:
1. How much 3 year olds like being put into costumes,
and 2. How much 3 year olds like photo shoots.

*Tennyson is wearing 6-9 month pajamas.
He is 2 and a half months old.
This fact would normally reduce me to tears...
if his chub-a-bub-a-ness wasn't so utterly delightful
(which, it is).

*Isn't this little Tink the cutest thing ever?

*I need to go to the Art Museum more often. I didn't even know it had these gorgeous gardens out back!

*I don't have any more "Ask Lola" questions to answer. (hint, hint)
Remember, all questions must be anonymous and can be left in the comments sections OR in the formspring box at the top, right-hand side of this little blog-a-log.

Kortland is being SO GREAT in school this year. Thank heaven for sweet boys and even sweeter teachers!

Today, I am editing photos, and sharing some thoughts.
What are YOU doing today?
Link up and share with the ladies at communal global.

lilttle lion hugs.

little lion says...

Happy Halloween!

Ask Lola.

{Kortland's class party was yesterday. So much fun! He was a "scary pirate captain" and I wanted to eat him. I'm the room mother for his class this year, so that means party planning!!! Yay! So I dressed up too. It was all very fun. I love Halloween! As usual, the pics have nothing to do with the post. Enjoy!}

What would you do in this situation? My kindergartner has a best friend who comes with a mom who uses me as her only source of adult interaction. Just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I have nothing better to do than talk for an hour after school...

What would I do in this situation? I would be her friend.

While I totally understand where you're coming from (I'm SUPER stingy about my personal time, and hate when things keep me from being able to clean my house, get dinner started, and...okay, who am I kidding, NAP...) I also think that it's important to be open to new friendships and yes, even lengthy and inconvenient chats at the playground or school lobby from time to time. (Notice that I said "from time to time." More on this in moment.)

Why?

1. Because if she's lonely enough for you to be her "only source for adult interaction"... it probably means she needs a friend. Some people just have a really hard time making new friends. People like me, (you know, who are perfectly comfortable talking to strangers, 90-year-olds, dogs, mean people, nice people, and well, inanimate objects...) sometimes have a hard time understanding how it could possibly be so difficult, but the fact is... it is. Social isolation can be a really hard thing for moms. We have a lot going on all of the time, and often no one to talk it out with to help us process life's happenings in a healthy way. So, I would be her friend.

2. People who "need" friends, or don't have many (or any) friends, often make THE BEST friends. They have plenty of spare time to help out if you ever find yourself in a tragic, sticky, or simply busy situation. They are often good listeners. They won't take you for granted. They'll be on time...the list goes on.

As for the 1 hour chats after kindergarten gets out (that would drive me nuts... I'm not gonna lie). I would talk for 5-10 minutes and then honestly say "I have _______ that I need to get done at home, but we should do __________ (lunch? a playdate with the little besties? a girl's night out?) sometime!" Say it firmly, but graciously, and make your exit.

Yeah, visiting with someone for waaaay too long while my kindergartner runs around in circles, hungry and bored, and the laundry sits in my washer not getting dry, and my beloved afternoon nap floats off into the stratosphere, never to be seen or heard from again in this lifetime... is sort of my "seventh circle of hell" kind of scenario. But by scheduling an appropriate time and place to chat and give support, or advice, and what not, you'll be able to set boundaries, and reclaim your busy day time.

Oh, and I'm not saying be her pity-friend. I realize that, based on the way I have written this response, it may come across that way, but that is not what I mean at all. I don't have any fake friendships, and I definitely don't recommend that anyone go out and form one. (What would be the point, honestly?) I am suggesting that you make a sincere effort to befriend and get to know this person, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and really putting some wholehearted effort into seeing the best in them. You may be surprised by what you find.

But definitely set boundaries that will allow you to keep your life in order. I wouldn't "confront" her by saying "I really can't visit with you after school every day, so please stop talking to me for so long." Even though it's the truth, a confrontation never gets anyone anywhere. It makes the other person feel embarrassed, slighted, and resentful. NOT good results. A simple (and totally honest) excuse is the way to go every time.

How do you tell a beloved family member you will not give them money even though they're hungry, cuz they just can't get their life in order and you want them to figure it out?

Or should I?

If they are hungry (even if it's a stupid, lazy, "their own dang fault for being hungry" kind of hungry) I would feed them. Without a doubt.

Would I give them money? Ha! Not on their life! Nope. No way.

Those are 2 totally different things.

I would go to Walmart, get supplies for some seriously awesome PB&J sandwiches and LOTS of Top Ramen in every flavor imaginable (see, aren't you so thoughtful?) and tell them "Love you, good luck!"

Your instincts to "not help" are good. We have enough enablers out there (*cough* OBAMA! * sneeze* sniff... hm? What? Oh, nothing. I think I'm coming down with something.) making it nearly impossible for people to learn important life lessons and "make their own way," so I applaud you for not wanting to be one of them. At the same time, should we let people go hungry? ...eh, not so much. You don't want to have to live with the guilty of that day in and day out.

But I mean it on the Top Ramen and PB&J. Non of this fresh deli meat & steaks business. No delicious snack foods, great produce, gourmet frozen pizzas, or (heaven forbid) Nutella and Nilla wafers for them! Oh no. They get the basics baby. They get the basics, and a hug, some encouragement to get their hiney into gear, and I also think they should get a phone call the next time you need to clean out your garage, or move some heavy stuff around... I'm just sayin'...

{My STINKIN' cute nephew and a flapper-y me at the Halloween parade.}

Have you been watching "Sister Wives?" I heard that the state might prosecute them now. Do you think they should get into trouble for living the way they do?

I think that we should use our resources, first and foremost, to prosecute polygamists who are abusing and exploiting the children in their care. You know, the ones "marrying" 60 year old men to 14 year old girls, kicking young boys out of their colonies to fend for themselves, water-boarding babies, filing for HUGE amounts of government aid under the false pretenses of being single mothers... you know, those ones. There are a ton of them out there, and we aren't making much progress in stopping them, so why would we waste time and resources going after a family that is doing none of those things?

And, if we're going to go after a guy who is NOT abusing his children, NOT having his "spiritual wives" file for and benefit from welfare benefits of the state (a.k.a defrauding the state), and is NOT even actually (in the eyes of the law) legally married to anyone other than the first wife, then don't we also have to go after ANY guy who is married, but unfaithful? Isn't that the same situation this guy is in? It's not like he has legally married his additional wives under different aliases (which is totally illegal). In the eyes of the law, this guy has one wife and three concubines... if you want to get technical about it. So how is he different from some guy who has one wife and a bunch of women that he cheats with?
You know, other than the fact that he respects, has children with, and supports ALL of the women with whom he has a relationship, rather than lying to his wife and only minimally supporting his secret harem of women... I guess I don't see any difference at all.

And just for the record, I think polygamy is gross and horrible. It is NOT a healthy mental/emotional situation for women. Period. To be put into a position where they have to compete for love and attention while also putting up with the mood swings of 2 or 3 other women is just icky in my opinion. And as for dealing with PILES and PILES of other people's kids 24 hours a day? Somebody shoot me first, thanks.

But the fact is, our limited resources should be used first and foremost to protect children in immediate danger of being raped by gross old men, and NOT bugging a reasonably healthy family that simply lives differently than we do.

{Kort's DARLING teacher from last year. Oh how we love her. And I am so sad - I was so busy with the party games and snacks... I didn't get a picture with Kort and his teacher this year! Bo to that. }

Ask Lola: Babies, Businesses, and the D word.

Today, I thought I'd combine a little Ask Lola with a little munchkin joy. So, while the pictures have literally nothing to do with the topics, I am now, and will remain unapologetic about their inclusion in this post. ;)

A few thoughts about these photos:
1. Bryan's kids are the most hilarious, good-looking, sassy, smart little people I have ever come across. B&C should have a hundred babies... okay, at least six, okay seven. There. Seven will be fine. Seven it is, kay Bry?
2. Kortland looks pretty nervous! He was juggling a newborn, trying to help get Jack and Lily to look at the camera AND smile! In all of that hubub, terrified constipation boy made a comeback! (Be sure and click on that link. You want to go to there, trust me.)
3. Jack's monkey face is my favorite thing ever. (It's in there somewhere, can you find it?)
4. Lily can WORK that camera yo!
5. Tennyson looks like a puppet.



Are you planning on having more babies?

Oh yes. As many as I can get.

Before the infertility nightmare of the century set in, I was one of "those people" who were like: "Meh, 2 or 3 at the most!" But, post-infertility nightmare of the century, I am like: "Ten? Yes please!" Seriously. There's no better cure for "taking-for-granted-ness" than "taken-away-ing-ness."

About thirty times in any given evening when Tennyson is laying in bed with me and the hubs, I exclaim "Let's have at least ten!!!" BUT, will my poor, weakling body actually be able to produce ten?

No. Not likely.

I am, however, going to give FOUR my very best shot.

Also, I am enjoying every moment with Tennyson as though it could be my last time raising a baby. I'm no dummy. I know there are no guarantees that I'll have even one more, so I am definitely soaking up all of the baby goodness currently available to me like there is no tomorrow, for indeed, there may not be.



What does your hubby do for a living?
Anything that he has to do to keep from working for "the man"! Ha ha!
(He is NOT a fan of punching time cards and answering to "higher ups.")
So, he sells rare books on Ebay. He also recently started selling paintball guns on Ebay. (Which we've found to be far more lucrative...go figure.) He is also developing this REALLY cool new cleaning product that will be launching in the next few months. So, a little of this, a little of that.
He doesn't make a ton of money, but he makes enough to get by and give himself plenty of time to pursue loftier goals.

We also drive a pedophile van to make up the difference. Seems to be working.


Why is divorce the new trend of the day?

I would love to hear the opinions of others on this one.

As for me...

I'm not sure that anything has really changed over the years EXCEPT for the fact that divorce has become a more acceptable means of dealing with marital problems than it has been in the past. I think that the same marital problems that exist today also existed in the 1920s, 1930s, 1950s, 1970s... you name it. Back then there was infidelity, selfishness, abuse, boredom, etc. I would even go so far as to say that I imagine that those couples faced these issues in numbers quite similar to or even greater than those of us living in the 21st century. The only difference is, divorce was SO TABOO back then, and now... well, we've gotten used to the idea.

In my humble opinion, I'm not so sure that this is a bad thing. While infidelity, abuse, neglect, etc are "bad things" in my book, I can't really say in good conscience that I think distancing yourself from a person who is bringing those things into your life (and keeping them there) is. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if someone isn't willing to work on your marriage the way that you are, it's not really fair of them to expect you to hang around and waste the pretty on them. I DO, however, think that couples should do absolutely everything they possibly can to make their marriages work. Everything. But, when all is said and done, we would all do well to get out and move on if there is no hope for leading a productive, happy life with the other person. (I emphasize "NO HOPE" on that one though.)

Does anyone else have something they would like to add? That's my general conclusion, but I'm sure there are a million things that could be said on the subject.

Oh, also, pornography. It's toxic, garbage-y junk that can take a healthy marriage/sexual relationship from blissful to decimated in 2.4 seconds. That is all.







So, today I am answering some questions and having a good laugh at our ridiculous attempt at a photoshoot with a 7, 4, and 1 year old with a freaked out newborn thrown in for good measure.
Go to communal global to link up and share what you're doing today!

Ask Lola: Women and the Priesthood...or the lack thereof.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have just started going back to church (we've both been inactive for 10 years) Currently he's advancing in the Priesthood. Going through this process with him is making me feel like my role as a woman in the church isn't as important as his.
During meetings with the bishop and missionaries they hardly even talk to me or have me set goals or work on anything. I feel ignored.
All the focus is on my husband.

I feel like all I'm suppose to do is provide meals and smile.

AND I HATE THAT!!!!!!

Is this normal?

This was kind of a scary question for me. It pulls away from any sort of "logical" argument I could make and forces me to rely solely on what I've felt... and quite sacredly so.

Let me start by directly answering your question.
YES. This is normal. Furthermore, you are completely entitled to these feelings because, well, you are FEELING them, and regardless of why you are feeling them, they should be honored simply because they are there. Period.

They probably aren't having you set goals or working on anything because, well, you are already doing great. ;)

Now, by way of sharing my own personal experiences of being a woman in the LDS church, let me say this: I don't think you'll ever meet a bigger feminist than me. Annie Oakley's "Anything you can do, I can do better" song doesn't even scratch the surface when it comes to my (humble...ha ha) opinions regarding my abilities vs. the abilities of all men on the planet of earth. (Scary, I know.)

But when it comes to the Priesthood, I have been blessed to receive a personal testimony that my role as a woman in this church is incredibly sacred, honored, and special. There is no station in the church that is revered more than that of "mother." And we get to be mothers. (A position I would take over having/receiving the priesthood any day of the week.) And I am also grateful to have a husband whose priesthood blesses our lives on a daily basis.

I was sort of at a loss when I tried to answer your question at first. I tried to think of logical arguments or ways of helping you see how important YOUR role is, but nothing really felt right. I went to bed that night with a prayer in my heart that Heavenly Father would show me how to convey what I feel deeply, but am struggling to express.

The next morning, a dear friend of mine published a blog where she had interviewed a photographer she admired:

"Tell me about the moment you knew you were not going to ever be able to go through life without shooting." Was one of her questions.

This was the photographer's response: "My neighbor was expecting a baby that had been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder and the baby was not expected to live long after birth. They asked me to be at the hospital with them after his birth and take pictures of his short life. That experience changed me as a photographer and as a human being. At baby Paul’s funeral, the pastor spoke about Paul’s short life affecting the lives of many, and I remember being overwhelmed with the realization that it had forever changed mine."

She then directed readers to this link. (Go ahead, go there. We'll chat afterward.)

WOW, right?
This was a huge answer to my prayer for guidance.

Why?

Because it reminded me of why my role (and yours) is so important in the church.

A few years ago, I was called to be the second counselor in my ward's Relief Society Presidency. Now, being that I am EXTREMELY social in nature, this was a dream calling for me. I loved visiting new sisters every Wednesday. I loved weekly meetings. I loved planning enrichment activities, and parties, and socials. One day, very early on in my new calling, my dear friend who was 1st counselor in the RS presidency called and said that we were going to visit a sister in our ward (who I had only spoken to a few times) in the hospital. This made me nervous.

You see, she was pregnant with a little girl, and that little girl had been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. Trisome 18. IF they were lucky enough to have their daughter born alive, they would only have minutes and maybe hours to spend with their precious little one before she passed out of this life. It was heartbreaking.

I was nervous about visiting her because I didn't have any words. (Pretty much a first for me.) I didn't feel AT ALL equal to the task of providing this wonderful mother with the support and encouragement she needed at this time. I had no idea what I was doing.

When we got to her hospital room and settled in, we just talked. It was effortless. I was surprised to find that this sister was smiling and sweet even though she was facing the labor and delivery of a child that she would not have the privilege of raising in this lifetime. We visited WAY longer than I ever thought we would. We talked about normal, everyday things, and we even had a few good laughs. I realized very quickly that I adored this unbelievably awesome girl. Our conversation eventually shifted to the baby. The young mother explained how things were going to proceed the next day. (Induction, delivery, a medical team working like mad to get her little girl hooked up to as many life preserving machines as possible, followed by giving her a name and a blessing right there in the hospital room, and then enjoying the very limited time they had with her.) I was in awe of her strength. I couldn't believe that she could even talk in coherent sentences. Sure, she's had some time to let the diagnosis sink in and to "prepare" herself, but can you really ever prepare for something like this? (Answer: no.)

Sitting in that hospital room, and visiting, and laughing, and crying with my new friend as her little girl's heartbeat beeped rhythmically on the monitor in the background was one of the most sacred experiences of my life.

Another was when I attended the funeral.
Another was when we were privileged to provide food for the family after the funeral services.
Another was when I realized that I had become friends with an incredible person whose friendship I still cherish to this day.

My point is, we are sisters. We are sensitive, and intuitive, and smart. We know innately how to lift the hands that hang down and bring joy to a heart filled with sorrow. Plus, we can "mourn with those who mourn" like nobody's business. Case in point, I have spent the last 20 minutes bawling in my bed for the loss of the sweet family in that video. I also cried myself to sleep the night that the little Idaho girl who drowned in the canal passed away. I've never met either of those families, nor can I fully comprehend their loss, but somehow, their pain is my pain. This is no small thing.

In closing, (so much for my "few short paragraphs" huh?) I just want to say. I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU! Getting involved in the church after 10 years of inactivity is also NO SMALL THING and I applaud you for it. Mostly, I am excited for the Relief Society as a whole. It will be one person stronger, one person better for having you in it. Thank you for being so honest! It's refreshing and pretty much just completely awesome.

As I said at the beginning, an understanding of your value in the church cannot be explained, it has to be felt. And you will have PLENTY of opportunities to feel it in the future (I'm sure). But for right now, if you still have any doubt, I would highly recommend that you ask for yourself. Your Heavenly Father loves you with a love that is beyond comprehension. Your worth is infinite in his sight and there is not a hair on your head that He has not accounted for, and He will tell you so, if you let Him.

Dear Tennyson,

Do you have ANY idea how much we love you?

We love your sunshine eyes.

And your pensive little stare.

We love your kicky feet,

and the wonder in your face.

And we sure love the hilarious sassy-ness (that I'm pretty sure you get from me.)

We just love you. And everything about you.

You're not only the center of the room,
you are the center of our little universe.

And we're so glad you're ours.